They say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I've only heard one person tell me why that is, so that once love comes to you again you will know it and embrace it. But i find it the opposite. I want to retreat when i feel the tugs of love. Yes, i know how it feels to fall for one and how lovely it feels to effortlessly let it happen but i also know how it feels to fall right through their arms. And what some don't realize or tell you is that beneath every lover you fall for is rock bottom. if they don't catch you when you fall, that's more than likely what you hit. I know all this and yet i'm expected to willingly fall again for someone i don't know nearly as long as i knew the one that left me falling. I loved one and trusted within all my being that i wouldn't fall to the bottom and yet...
Now this man, so sweet and caring, seems to be standing there slowly opening his arms and his heart out to me and all the while i'm happy yet fighting myself anytime i feel i'm opening my heart or falling toward his arms. Just the smallest glimpse of me loving him scares me enough to push him out of my mind and heart.
And its so wrong of me to want him to say it as i see him watching me. I secretly long to hear him commit to loving me. Its wrong because i know i wouldn't believe him, wouldn't want to believe him, and i wouldn't at all be able to return it. I especially don't want him to expect me to trust him, believe him, or commit to loving him. Even if i do, all the time i'd still be wondering when he will get tired of me and painfully rip us apart. I wonder it now, thats why i push myself back all the time to keep the painful separation to a minimum. i just know that at anytime the texts will stop, the things he say will stop, the visits will stop, and i'll know he's grown tired of me.
So what am i to do? i'm all kinds of confused. So i sit back, waiting and watching. Do i trust and fall even though it seems so positive i'll end up back on the ground, or do i keep what could be a good man at bay because of my fear of hurting?

(just so you all know, i'm not in love with him, its much too soon for that but i am starting to see the signs that i could end up falling for him and thats what scares me. I'm not ready for it to end yet...)